Zombie-Prepared: Using a Sword as the Ultimate Weapon

Your Arsenal: What Not to Use

So how is anyone supposed to choose the best zombie-killing weapon when there is so much conflicting information on the internet, in print, and in film? Setting aside the clutter of information you’ve gleaned elsewhere, try using your own logic instead of believing what someone else tells you. Upon familiarizing yourself with the logical conclusion of these weapons (failure), you will then be introduced to the ultimate weapon: zombie swords. Still have faith in the lawnmower idea? Don’t take our word for it. Take a look at the logic yourself:

●      The flame thrower. If you are one of the gutsy individuals considering buying a flamethrower, you may want to think again. Yes, the flamethrower has the advantage of sending a large crowd of zombies up in flames at once, but there is no guarantee that the flames will eat through the zombie’s brain before it gets to you. As you can imagine, the only thing more terrifying than a zombie trying to eat your brains is a zombie on fire trying to eat your brains. Since this risk is rather high when it comes to using a flamethrower, many people logically conclude that avoiding angry on-fire zombies is the best option. For your own safety, put down the flamethrower. Please. At this point you should agree that a sword sounds a lot less gory than this option.

●      The lawnmower. In the movie “Dead Alive,” the main character straps a running lawnmower onto his chest with rope and lunges into a hallway that is packed like a sardine can with hungry zombies. Needless to say, the scene is somewhat inspirational to zombie-killing fanatics—flesh literally flies for the entire duration of the scene (and it is a long scene). The blood and gore spraying across the camera screen seems to indicate that the lawnmower-strapped-to-the-chest-method is an acceptable method of killing boatloads of zombies. However, logic once again swoops in to burst your romantic bubble. Unless you are in the final scene of a movie, there is no way a lawnmower will save you from becoming a zombie snack. It is highly doubtful that a lawnmower could chew up an entire zombie body quickly enough to begin slicing and dicing the zombie’s friend who was standing directly beside said chopped-up zombie. You can only imagine the clogged up mess you would have in your lawnmower blades. No matter how satisfying it may feel to chop that first zombie to bits, you’ll probably consider it very not-worth-it after the rest of the zombie mass rushes at you. If you had your heart set on using blades, don’t worry: zombie swords are all about blades. Hang in there.

●      The shotgun. While a small handgun is obviously useless against a bunch of very angry zombies, the double-barreled shotgun seems to have a great deal of promise at first glance. If you are a good shot, you could potentially shoot a zombie’s limbs off (always helpful), or better yet, blow his head off in a spray of glory. Unfortunately, there are a few loopholes to this plan. First of all, double-barreled shotguns are louder than a lot of loud things. As soon as you make a dent in the oncoming wave of zombies, you’ll have alerted more to fill the gap. Secondly, taking time to reload a double-barreled shotgun is a sure-fire way to get eaten alive. Logic once again dictates that the double-barreled shotgun is not the ultimate weapon, especially in contrast to efficient zombie swords.

●      Kung fu. While imagining Jackie Chan shoving his foot into a zombie’s face is very inspirational, non-weapon based martial arts may be one of the worst ideas out there. Sure, Jovovich made it look really cool in “Evil Dead” when she kicked and punched a whole bunch of zombies to death and looked good while doing it, but she had super-genes. Plus, logic would dictate that in a real zombie apocalypse a girl with only her kung fu skills and a party dress could hardly stop a determined zombie. Think about it: putting your limbs near the zombie’s face isn’t a great way to avoid getting infected.

Your Arsenal: What to Use

“All right,” you say, “We get it. So what’s the big deal with zombie swords?” Glad you asked. The trail of logic behind this opinion is so flawless that even a Vulcan would be impressed. The key reasons why zombie swords are a superior zombie-dismembering weapon are listed below for your viewing pleasure:

●      Zombie swords don’t run out of ammo. If you have a sword, all you need is… the sword. Hopefully, you will invest in a good blade so you don’t have to worry about the blade cracking, chipping, or falling apart during a crucial zombie-killing spree.

●      Zombie swords dismember with decreased danger to the user. A good long sword will get you close enough to the zombie to slice but far enough away that its teeth can’t sink into you. Who wouldn’t want that? A common myth exists among zombie-defeating circles that a sword puts the user at risk of infection since the zombie’s blood may splatter onto the user. If zombie blood turns out to be lethal to humans, there is still no need to be concerned. Medical research indicates that if a being has no heart, it would have no pumping bloodstream. Since no blood is pumping throughout a zombie’s body, the blood would hypothetically begin to drain to the zombie’s feet (which may provide some insight as to why they stumble around so clumsily). Very little or no blood would be present in the zombie’s upper body, providing the perfect target for zombie swords.

●      Zombie swords hit where it hurts most. Here’s the thing with zombies: you have to destroy the brain. The easiest way to do this would not be hacking into the top of the zombie’s skull, so please don’t try that (it would most likely result in lodging your zombie sword in the now irritated zombie’s head). Instead, make a clean swipe at the zombie’s neck. A quality zombie sword will be sharp enough to slice right through the little bit of bone located in the neck while making quick work of the cartilage and muscle located in the neck region.

There you have it. It would seem that a zombie sword is a formidable weapon when attempting to defend yourself from hoards of zombies. The only downside is a close fighting range; however, a skilled zombie sword user should be able to move swiftly enough to avoid being eaten up (hopefully).

Which Sword to Choose

Things get a little complicated when you try to decide on which sword is best for decapitating zombies. Naturally, there are a lot of competing views out there. Review the following zombie swords and blades to decide which sword will work best for you in the event of a zombie apocalypse:

●      The Kukri. A weapon with Indian origins with a heavy forward-drop blade. This blade allows for a more powerful impact.

●      The Katana. There is a lot of controversy out there concerning whether or not the katana would make a good zombie sword or not. It has been around for centuries and is known as a quick, sleek, blade of death. Do a little outside research to determine if this weapon strikes you as being trustworthy or not.

●      The Machete. While the machete may not technically fall into the sword class, a blade is still a blade. This weapon was invented for slicing through the thick terrain of the rainforest floor. The good news is, when you are not busy hacking your way through fields of zombies, you can use the machete to slice your way through thick brush.

Time is running short, but you get the idea. You want a sword from a reputable distributor that has a strong, reliable blade. Avoid swords or daggers with very short blades; you really don’t want to be closer to a zombie’s face than you have to be. Do some research and experiment with what kinds of zombie swords work best for you. Logic would dictate that a solid sword in the hands of a skilled user is a fine weapon for zombie-annihilating purposes. Visit a reputable online martial arts vendor of zombie swords to learn more about which sword will leave you best prepared for the darkest of days.